Started in May....Finished in August
A stream of consciousness adventure!
...sigh...trying to breathe here.
I am feeling encased in a wrap of anticipation and anxiety. If it gets tighter, it'll turn into self-pity and shame.
Sitting and Waiting:
1) for the puppy to get out of her a**hole phase and calm down
2) for my heart to stop racing
3) for the supposed magic dogs have to melt the heart of my pooch-phobic love
4) for the money to grow in investments so I won't have to eat cat food during retirement
5) for the muses to feel safe enough to give me a post-it of inspiration
I have so keenly aware this year of just how my body processes emotions. Historically, I have mad hoarding skills - I like to keep my emotions, all of them. I wear them like hair colors - it takes them awhile to rinse out.
I've had recurring bouts of vertigo - benign positional vertigo - meaning if you move your eyes or your head a certain way, you could have a ride on a fast merry-go-round! That has helped me feel rootless. Being in a one-year position helps with this feeling - at least I'm consistent. With the vertigo and the rootlessness feeling, other feelings like being waaay too vulnerable, not good enough.
Right now I'm feeling lots of shame for letting my frustrations run me. In the moment, the frustration becomes so large, it's hard to find the edges of it to reign it in.
That frustration becomes even bigger when I think about the little time I allow myself to exercise, dance and do my own thing. Instead I do laundry, grade papers, empty dishwashers, answer emails, lesson plan - anything EXCEPT the things I want to do. Even just sitting here and typing this.very.word feels like a revolutionary act! When was the last time I sat and wrote? Honestly!
With shame - there is always something wrong with me:
physical: I am not the shape I would like to be in
professional: I'm not the teacher I would like to be, do I have other skills?
personal: I have no follow through, no self-discipline, writing is sub-par
emotional: I can be so mean to myself
nutritional: I eat too much, drink too much
financial: I have too much debt and not enough money coming in
I know this feeling is universal. We all have experienced shame. I know that shame is not only ridiculous, it's also isolating. There will never be a ribbon to pin on your lapel for shame awareness, no 5Ks to run for its eradication. There
should be. When you say them out loud, they lose their hold on you.
I'm done. This moment has passed. When you categorize your shames and list them, it's easier to eliminate them. I'm looking over them now and thinking to myself,
Silly rabbit, you're fine. You're going to be okay.
I'm all over the place. It's been a long time since I have let my mind go sans leash. The past year I have been on a choke chain tethered to a parking sign. Waiting.
I'm not happy. I remember happy. Happy is not here with me. I'm content. Patting myself on the back for taking a moment to just sit and write. And have a drink. Coffeehouse writing has always been therapeutic.
Thanks, cafe!
Lists of to-dos are populating the back of my brain. Time to move on.
