Last Month as a PC!!

It's been a long time since the last posting, and yes there has been a lot going on and sometimes it’s difficult to reflect for the blogging audience. Tonight changed things - I must tell you what happened; this is what everyone should read.

Usually I have my women's salon for sophomores and freshmen on Thursdays and women's salon for juniors on Fridays. Last night was a "Zai Jian" party for class B. In both women's salons, the students provide the snacks and I provide the space; but I decided that I should provide more. Tonight we held a joint meeting in which they got to experience my 3 bean chili and garlic bread bing zis. Twenty women (my living room can usually only fit 13) crowd together eating a small morsel of the western food in order for everyone to enjoy. This was the first time for some to experience butter for the first time.

Four hours of English speaking! Mingling, small groups all speaking a second language. It's amazing to watch. And that is what I did for most of the time. A couple of students and I start talking in the kitchen about the difference in conversational dynamics within cultures and what we appreciate about each other. They wanted to know if everything can be explained - I said yes - that is what poetry is for - when you cannot find the words, use the literary techniques to explain yourself - our definitions are subjective; what is "interesting" for some might be considered "horrible" - that's the beauty of language.

Then the best thing happened - I felt it - when they changed their view of me - not as a teacher or other, but as a friend. We have made plans to have a slumber party; to spend as much time together as possible.

One student, Katherine, wanted to take a few of my beers because she wanted to learn how to drink - an essential skill for any potential Chinese business person. Once everyone left, Katherine and I had a small tutorial. I got to teach Chinese etiquette to a Chinese person! How cool is that! So much to learn - how to toast, what to toast, the position of your glass (if host is a superior, make sure when you clink your glasses your glass is lower than theirs), how to pour beer, how to avoid hangovers - it was amazing - to jump that boundary of teacher/student and into something else.

We were a bit drunk and I insisted on walking her home and she did something that I have been dying for - she entwined her arm with mine - the symbol of friendship in China, especially with women. Full moon, pleasant and clear skies, quiet streets, just walking arm in arm.

I explained to some of them that my heart was the size of my torso, begging to expand even more.

This last month (nay, three weeks!) could be the death of me; the most defining moments of my two years here. I want to cry, can't sleep, digging my heels - I don't want to go. This is the glow time – the time when everything is sprinkled with glitter, the time when everything is perfect and real - felt this before I left the US.

But I feel it - many of these students will be my good friends for life. My impatient part is pissed and wants to yell "about damn time! I've been waiting for this since day one!" I'm so glad it did come. NOW it feels real, substantial - my time here I feel like I have made a difference and they have scarred me - never to return to who I was.

These are the times that spank me. Today I love China!

The Odyssey in China 11/4/08

This is the first time in Lanzhou University's 100 year history that a foreign teacher ever directed a play.

Insert gulp....

There is an old Chinese saying (there is ALWAYS an old Chinese saying) that in order to achieve greatness, there must be great struggle, or obstacles or something akin to that. After living here for over a year, I believe it and it does happen. Right before you embark on anything, there will be times when your heart’s like a squirrel’s and you think all the worst things will happen and rarely do they. I almost had a few anxiety attacks from snafus or sudden changes or abrupt switcheroos, but I gotta tell you something....

When I was watching last year's play, an adaptation of Tagore’s "Chitra", I envisioned myself standing on stage and feeling it - the energy, the love of my students, whatnot. As I stepped onto the stage Tuesday, it was a deja vu. Exactly how I thought it would be - perhaps even better. The auditorium was packed. Even some of my students from last year, who are now on a different campus, showed up - even bearing flowers for me.

Before the show, the custom is to show a short video of the rehearsals - I taught them the banana dance to get them energized and they loved it. Then the two hosts arrive on stage, welcoming the faculty from Lanzhou University as well as visiting faculty from other local universities (most PCV friends of mine, god love 'em). Then the Dean of the Foreign Language School comes up and delivers a speech.

Finally it was time for me to come out and say something. I expected the gasps and the "whoas" from my students, since I was wearing a skirt and makeup - both rarely seen in the classroom, but the fierceness of the outburst made me believe that my skirt was bunched up in my underwear or that boogers were covering my face.

While the show was going on, the left side of the stage showed the English text and the right side the Chinese version. It was a short one act - only 45 minutes, but the entire time I kept my guard or anxiety at a high level - always awaiting something.

When the cast came back from their curtain call, they all quickly shuffled to me and stood silently beside me, waiting for my reaction. I opened my arms and we all got into a big group hug - unorthodox for Chinese, not wanting to show affection. Many said afterwards that they wanted to perform it again and again!! Check out the pictures. picasaweb.google.com/macdirty/theodyssey

I now can sleep, but I am back to being bored. Back to learning Chinese, reading voraciously and walking around the track late at night. Last night, my site mate, Joe, Kathleen, and I were talking about what I plan on doing with my life (10 year plan crap). After many beers, we started fantasizing about putting on ANOTHER play, nay, MUSICAL next semester. It took me 6 months to put on the Odyssey, but we think wecould do it in 3. Don't know if it will happen, but it was fun talking about it.

Essay for Lanzhou University

What do you hope to accomplish from this class?

On the first day of class at Lanzhou University, I wrote the above statement on the board looking forward to learning how I can help my students.

One student answered: “I hope that we become good friends!”

My reply was: “Thank you, but I came here to China to teach. I know we can become friendly, but I came here to be your teacher, not your friend.”

As a high school teacher from the United States, this was what I learned – teachers and students cannot be friends. There must be a boundary; there must be a clear distinction made between the roles of teacher and student. I had made the mistake in the past and learned the only way to be a good teacher was to be friendly, but not their friends. I had to make sure the students knew I was there to teach and not to be their friend. It made the learning easier for both parties – student and teacher; child and adult.

The student who answered this question had a foreign teacher, another volunteer, last year. She told me later that the foreign teacher was a great friend but not that concerned with teaching. I resolved that I was going to blow their socks off from what they learned from me.

I love being a teacher. I love that I am in a position to constantly learn from my students and to guide, cajole and motivate them to be the best they can be. Through working with my students I learn how I am guided, cajoled and motivated as well to be the best teacher I can be. I love to be in a community of learners, never afraid to take risks, make mistakes and learn from each other.

I came to China because I believe in education and wanted to explore this profession in a new country, immerse myself in a new culture and to learn from a new group of learners. I brought with me my not only my resource books, my ideas for lessons and my passion to be in the classroom, but also my preconceived notions of what it means in the United States to be a teacher.

As I learned quite quickly while teaching in China, boundaries do exist, but they are very different. Living on campus with the students, something that few Chinese professors are able to do at Landa, I learned that the boundaries were cultural. Language, different life experiences, age, different world views and environmental comfort were some of the new boundaries I quickly noticed. But it was English, their zeal to learn it and my fervor to teach them, that brought my students and me together.

By relaxing my old view of boundary and becoming friends with my students, they became my teachers as well; showing me the way around campus, taking me on a climb up the mountain, introducing me to amazingly delicious foods in the various restaurants, and learning from them about their life experiences and world view.

It was overwhelming in the beginning, the dismantling of previous boundaries and constantly running my head against the new ones. But it was my relationships, my friendships with my students who held my hand as they weaved around the new walls that I became comfortable with life in Yuzhong and in China.

Now after a year, I am amazed at what we, my students and I have accomplished. I have never felt so empowered and so secure with my life in Yuzhong. The students know me, know that I care deeply about them and I know that that feeling is reciprocated. I look out for them as I weave them through the new boundaries for them as they learn English, Western Culture and Literature and they are my guides for my new walls.

Pretty soon all those boundaries are the size of the net that separate me from my weekly badminton buddy. We recognize each other and respect each other, knowing what they are learning and what they have accomplished. I know that my students are my friends. I know that teaching in China has and still is a wonderful experience that I will treasure the rest of my days. I hope to continually learn from them and deserve their friendship.

My socks are blown off by my students. Boundaries are relative and can be, when needed, dismantled.

EARTHQUAKE!!

On Monday (5/12) afternoon around 2:30, aftershocks of one of the largest earthquakes (7.9) to hit China in over 30 years were felt here in Lanzhou (a 22 hour train ride away from the epicenter). It happened around 60 miles north of Chengdu in the Sichuan province.

I have felt little tremors in Denver before and one medium earthquakein Guatemala years ago, but this was the largest one I have ever felt. I was at home, doing Pilates and stopped to take a drink because I was feeling dizzy. Then I realized the building was moving (rather swaying) and not me.

The shocks continued for about 2 - 3 minutes. I just sat down and rode it - like a roller coaster. I should've left the building instead. Most students were in class at the time and many of them told me that some students, as they were exiting the teaching building were pushing their way out. Phones are not working. Outside of Lanzhou, texting works and the internet is up.

I had some students call me late at night, worried that it would happen again, scared to go back inside. Overwhelming what is going on down south nearer the epicenter. Peace Corps has spoken to every volunteer and everyone is all right. Grateful to be all right but scared shitless about the people trapped in rubble.

Send good thoughts.

Blast of Epiphanies!!

I am completely overwhelmed. Today was a napalm blast of epiphanies.

A week ago as I was walking home from class, a random student asked if he could talk to me (in English). I have been asked a few times the same request so I wasn't that surprised. As we talk he tells me his major in Chinese. Red flag!! (Heh, get it? China? Red flag?) It was a sign. PC told us to look for students who are Chinese majors to tutor us if we cannot find licensed teachers. I asked him if he would be my tutor and he accepted. Tonight was our first lesson.

I must preface this with a bit of personal disclosure - I am extremely hard on myself, especially when it comes to language learning. I forget to breathe, I beat myself up, my hands shake - the whole anxiety of it propels me to learn. My problem is that I know I am like this, but I know few people understand my process so I have even less patience with myself with new teachers. I want to be amazing at it right out of the gate. If I am not, or if they giggle or breathe a larger sigh than usual, I am even more pissed. That is exactly what happened. I was reading aloud a passage of pinyin when he began to giggle. I stopped and said, "Ok. I need some more patience from you. I know I suck, but I need you to not laugh at me."

His reaction was unexpected.

"I am not laughing at your ability. Whenever I thought that I could not learn English, my high school English teacher always said, 'Ofcourse you can! You speak very well. Look at Americans! They think they are number one, but they do not learn Chinese because it is so hard!'"

First lesson in humility learned. The rest of our time was very productive once I started to breathe again and see myself through his eyes. Silly American.

Second lesson.

I had my Junior writing class write me a mid-term reflection letter, letting me know how they are, how their other classes are, what I can do to improve as their teacher and what do they like about my class. I know many of my students put great pressure on themselves daily and I thought (again, silly American) that I could help them with stress management and teach them how to chill. All English majors take a ton of classes. My juniors take Writing, Oral English, English Literature, Advanced English, Foreign Economic Contracts, World Famous Plays, a second foreign language (French, German or Japanese) and finally Concepts of Chairman Mao...All in one semester.

Okay....Now why am I here again? I teach 18 hours to 200 students. I have 200 mid term papers waiting for me to grade and I feel impotent right now. Unable to even look at them, let alone grade them. Why am I here? Someone who has a problem with time management in a country where every minute of every day is dedicated to their studies. I took an early morning run Sunday through the campus. At 7 am. there are students standing in the middle of a field or sitting along the street reading, memorizing, reciting. When you ask students about their weekend, most of their time is spent in the library or in a quiet classroom studying. I have a sophomore Life Science major student who is very sweet to me helping me with my English, showing me books that she bought on how to improve her English vocabulary in order to do well on the GRE she plans to take TWO YEARS from now!!

Honestly, I am in waaay over my head, thinking that I can help these students. Again, life as a teacher - you learn more than your students. They will be teaching ME how to focus and use my time wisely. Compartmentalize. Suck it up and do it.

This is only the beginning of my third month teaching. I have two years of this. Waaaay over my head.

Plus! I was just asked to teach another class next semester. English Film Appreciation for English major freshmen. It would be once a week with 60 students. I told her I wanted to think about it and started to bend my sitemate's ear. We came to a brilliant compromise - we both teach it. He would take the first film and discuss it, I would take the next one, and we would work together prepping BOTH films. Our Department head liked the idea so much they increased the class size to 100.

Next semester I will be teaching 300 students. Just wanted to write it out loud. Whoa....

This is all good for me. I am awful at free time. I call it "duh time"for that is all I do - sit and drool and go cro-magnon.

So now..thanks to my kids and other random students, my schedule is much more rigid. Class time, badminton time, eating time, sleeping time, grading time, studying Chinese time.....ad nauseum.

Only 3 months!!! How will I survive two years of this? Honestly if I look at the horizon I convulse. I look at 15 min to an hour portions of the future.

How am I doing? Duh.....I have five more minutes of emailing and "freetime" before I go back to my Everest - mid term essays. Send supplies. I'm going in.....

I love teaching!

oxoxoxokt

Weekend trip to Xiahe

My first weekend trip was a doozy - Xiahe (sheeya huh). Four hours southwest of Lanzhou is a small town that is 50% Tibetan, 40% Han and 10% Hui and home of the Lebrang Buddhist Monastery. Currently 1,800 monks live there. The monastery is enclosed by a wall of prayer wheels and covers 3 square miles. The town is nestled in a valley almost 10,000 ft above sea level. We took a tour with a monk that spoke English.

We got to see the main meditation hall which can fit 800 at a time. The place is amazing, as you would expect, but the feelings of sublime internal silence I was not prepared for. Like Telluride, Camp Agape, the yoga retreat I did in Nederland, Varanasi, and other places that shut me up, this one did the trick. I was feeling a little agoraphobic back at my campus - thinking that China was so big and so imposing and so insurmountable. One weekend and two buses exorcised that phobia for me. It was cold as you would expect, but the thing that killed me was that we didn't get as many stares as we usually do in Lanzhou. It was liberating, not to have so many eyes on your every movement. You relaxed in your own space.

We also went across the bridge and hiked along a dirt road, past yaks and sheep grazing, past yurts with their stoves heating up dinner. It had been ages since I roamed. And that is what we did; just walked around, sat down and were just still - nothing to think about, nothing to translate, no eyes on us. The food there was amazing. Tibetan meat dumplings, steamed (momo) and fried (paale), yak milk tea, yak butter, yak burgers - all so very very good and satisfying and belly warming. We left early in the morning to grab our bus back and as the overcastsky brightened, everywhere was dusted with snow. Snow has an effect onme - it stills me, warms me, again shuts me up. I like being silenced. My brain welcomes the shoxi (break).

Funny story: I was planning on buying this wonderful handmade boiled wool coat with decorative trim. In China, bartering is required,expected and actually quite fun. The tailor started at a price that was way more than what I had. We proceed to ping pong back numbers (in Chinese of course, last time I'll say that). When I was getting flabbergasted that he was so rigid and wasn't playing the game I said,"Wo shi laoshi, mei you qian!" (I'm a teacher, I have no money!). That stopped him. He said he will give me my price because I am a teacher and in a profession that is highly respected. He kept saying "FeichangHao" (excellent). No I am back, feeling rejuvenated and ready for another week of classes, which are going well, Chinese language tutor sessions and time to find ways to shut my brain up myself. Check out photos at picasaweb.google.com/macdirty

Nothing but love to you, Katie